I like to drink a lot of coffee. In fact, just this morning I woke up and had 3 k-cups from the Keurig machine, and then drank a large Starbucks iced coffee black (yes, I called it “venti” when ordering). So I know that my teeth are pretty stained; maybe you can’t see it from five feet away, but up close it’s definitely noticeable and today I decided to try to do something about it.

You ever see those Whitestrip things on TV commercials or even in the toothpaste aisle? I decided to grab a box of them this time and give it a shot. It says all you have to do is apply the strips, let them sit for 30 minutes and then throw them away. The part about having to do it 14 days in a row kind of sucks but I figured the end result would be worth it.

Having just got home and tried it for the first time, I have already thrown them in the trash. Here’s why:

  • First of all, the strips themselves are hard to pry off the little plastic backing things they come on without messing them up. It’s like when you are trying to get a piece of Saran-wrap and it sticks to itself and you have to pry it back apart and it gets all crumbled up. In other words – it was difficult to even get the damn things out of their packaging
  • Then you go to actually put them on and realize they must have been made for infants or something. There wasn’t a different section for kids/adults so I assumed it was one size fits all. So the instructions are to apply to your teeth and fold the strips over so they stick in place. I don’t have Mr. Ed type humongous teeth, but these strips barely even cover the front part of my teeth. I know that’s the only part that is visible, but I didn’t really have enough material to fold over and keep them in place
  • Apart from not being big enough to actually apply and fold over, they’re not wide enough either. These would be perfect if you only want to whiten like the middle 8 teeth on the top and bottom, but if you actually want all your visible teeth to be whitened, you’d need to apply two strips side by side
  • But the worst part by far is actually having these things in place. Maybe it was because they weren’t big enough to actually fit my mouth, but the edges of the strips were digging into my gums on the front. Far from noticeable, it was actually somewhat painful, like someone poking your gums with their fingernails. I don’t know if you’re supposed to avoid swallowing whatever the whitening material is, but after just a couple minutes, my mouth starts watering/drooling, the liquid starts seeping out, the things are sliding around and I’m going back to the sink to spit again.

In the end, I lasted a total of 7 minutes with these things applied before I pulled them off and threw them in the trash can. 30 minutes? No fucking way. They cost $24.99 plus tax, so I don’t even know if it’s worth going through the process of getting a refund.

Moral of the story: They are uncomfortable, difficult to use, and if you are larger than a small child, they probably don’t fit.

What a waste; I’ll just deal with having coffee stained teeth.